SCENE THREE
SERACH
Yes. You’re the oldest man there is.
METHUSELAH
I made up a word for it once. Antediluvian. I’m antediluvian. Everybody else is postdiluvian, but I’m antediluvian.
SERACH
You didn’t make it up. That was someone else.
METHUSELAH
No. That’s impossible. Somebody else made up a word that only applies to me? Who else would make a word like that up? Was it you?
SERACH
No. I don’t know who it was.
METHUSELAH
It must have been my handmaidens.
SERACH
You never had handmaidens.
METHUSELAH
I had them once. Maybe they weren’t antediluvian. They must have been postdiluvian.
SERACH
No. They were neither.
METHUSELAH
Wait, I remember now. Gomorrah! Oh, that was a time. Talk about a fin de siecle feeling. And Lot was the worst of us.
(The DOCTOR enters, with his arms around the HANDMAIDENS.)
DOCTOR
Hey, old man, how are you doing?
METHUSELAH
Who are these two beautiful women?
DOCTOR
To tell the truth, old man, they’re my two daughters, but you’d never know it, hey?
METHUSELAH
Your daughters? And the three of you are...
DOCTOR
They tricked me into it. Got me so drunk I didn’t know what I was doing, or who I was doing it with, if you know what I mean.
SERACH
Wait, I thought that happened after Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed.
METHUSELAH
Pedant.
DOCTOR
So, you going to the big party Friday night?
METHUSELAH
Which one? It seems like all we have around here are big parties.
DOCTOR
This one’s even bigger. They’ll have everyone there. I mean everyone. Sodomites, Gomorrhists. We’ll all get to know one another, as the biblical saying goes.
METHUSELAH
I don’t know. I think God might disapprove. He’s can be kind of uptight about this kind of thing, I’ll tell you from experience. I told you the story of the great flood—
DOCTOR
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ve all heard. But he promised never to do that again, didn’t he? So we’re safe.
METHUSELAH
I guess...
DOCTOR
They’ll be handmaidens there.
METHUSELAH
Handmaidens?
DOCTOR
By the handful.
METHUSELAH
What time’s the party?
(The HANDMAIDENS leave DOCTOR, line up behind METHUSELAH. There’s a lighting change. Music cuts in.)
DOCTOR
And now announcing Methuselah and the Methusalettes.
METHUSELAH
Ain’t gonna die,
Just gonna live,
‘Cause I’ve got plenty more
Lovin’ to give
Hope the kiddies
Remember my name,
But I’m gonna be here
Just the same
‘Cause I’m Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m old Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m Methuselah, baby, and I’m gonna live some more.
Lived through the plague
Lived through the flood
Many a foe has
Wanted my blood
Stab me to death
Cut off my head
Dammit that old man
Should be dead
But I’m Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m old Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m Methuselah, baby, and I’m gonna live some more.
Maybe some day
I’m gonna be sick
Call in the doctor
Gets here real quick
Tells me my life’s
Soon at an end
I say doctor you do not
Comprehend
That I’m Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m old Methuselah
HANDMAIDENS
He’s Methuselah
METHUSELAH
I’m Methuselah, baby, and I’m gonna live some more.
(Music ends. METHUSELAH turns to SERACH.)
That’s what I call a song. Not that stupid Gershwin stuff.
(HANDMAIDEN 1 runs over to him, hands him a pad, which he autographs.)
What’s your name, darling?
HANDMAIDEN 2
Hagar.
METHUSELAH
And what do you do, Hagar?
HANDMAIDEN 2
I’m just a handmaiden.
METHUSELAH
Really?
SERACH
It’s amazing. The oldest living human, and you’re still having the same fantasies you had at sixteen.
METHUSELAH
Have you seen Lot around here, tonight?
HANDMAIDEN 2
I think he left, already.
METHUSELAH
He left? Where did he go?
HANDMAIDEN 2
Some angel came by, I think.
METHUSELAH
An angel? Why did an angel come by?
HANDMAIDEN 2
I don’t know. Something about us all being sinful, and having to destroy our whole city. He said there weren’t even ten good men. If there were ten good men, he said, he’s save the city. I said, you’ve been going to the wrong parties. Come to one of mine, and I’ll show you ten good men. He didn’t even laugh. You know how those angels can be.
(HANDMAIDEN 1 runs over.)
HANDMAIDEN 1
Can I have your autograph?
METHUSELAH
So he’s left the city?
HANDMAIDEN 2
I think so. Why?
METHUSELAH
I’ve got to go.
HANDMAIDEN 1
But the party’s just beginning. It’s going to last all night.
METHUSELAH
Come with me. Both of you. I can save you. God’s going to destroy the city.
HANDMAIDEN 2
I know, I heard. Kaaa-pow!.
HANDMAIDEN 1
Kaaa-poo-eee!
METHUSELAH
I’m serious.
HANDMAIDEN 1
Then you’d better come with me. I don’t want to die a virgin.
HANDMAIDEN 2
Me neither.
METHUSELAH
Listen, you have to believe me. I’ve seen him do worse. Come with me, before it’s too late.
HANDMAIDEN 2
But it’s already too late. That angel said the city’s going to be destroyed at midnight. It’s one minute to midnight now.
METHUSELAH
So we have one minute?
HANDMAIDENS
Uh huh.
(METHUSELAH steps away from HANDMAIDENS. They grab drinks, and start laughing.)
METHUSELAH
I renounce this city, it’s sins, and everything within it!
(The HANDMAIDENS suddenly freeze. METHUSELAH walks over to them and touches them tentatively. They are immobile. He licks his finger. He looks over to SERACH.)
Salt. They were just salt.
SERACH
I know.
METHUSELAH
I hear the town was destroyed behind me, destroyed in fire and brimstone. If I had looked back, I would have become a pillar of salt, myself.
SERACH
But you didn’t.
METHUSELAH
Because I couldn’t bear to think of all those people, frozen there. How could I have renounced them all? I was one of them. And then I doomed them.
SERACH
You didn’t doom them. You saved yourself.
METHUSELAH
I would have doomed them, if I had to, to save myself. I would have turned them into salt myself, to save my own skin.
SERACH
They were wicked.
METHUSELAH
So was I.
SERACH
You didn’t do anything. You didn’t do anything wrong.
METHUSELAH
I told myself I couldn’t die, I had so much more to achieve. Have I achieved it yet?
SERACH
You still have time.
(METHUSELAH falls onto the floor, having convulsions.)