SCENE 1
(VANĚK is sitting in a somewhat awkward position. He is trying to avoid aggravating his hemorrhoids. OFFICER enters and jingles keys. VANĚK doesn’t respond. OFFICER jingles keys again.)
OFFICER
Mr. Vaněk?
VANĚK
Yes.
OFFICER
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Vaněk.
VANĚK
Thank you.
OFFICER
I enjoyed your play, the one in the brewery—
VANĚK
You’ve read it?
OFFICER
I’ve confiscated it, more than once.
(Pause.)
VANĚK
Yes.
OFFICER
Listen, Ferdinand—you don’t mind if I call you that?
VANĚK
Go ahead.
OFFICER
If you do, let me know.
VANĚK
I don’t mind.
OFFICER
Listen, Ferdinard—I wanted to have a word with you.
VANĚK
Very well.
(Pause.)
How much longer will I be here?
OFFICER
Where?
VANĚK
Here.
OFFICER
I don’t know. A few more hours. Maybe another day or so.
VANĚK
Another day?
OFFICER
Maybe a few more hours.
(Pause.)
Listen, Ferdinand—you sure you don’t mind?
VANĚK
What?
OFFICER
When I call you Ferdinand?
VANĚK
No.
OFFICER
Listen, Ferdinand—what’s the deal with this march?
VANĚK
What march?
OFFICER
This march. This march you’re having.
VANĚK
I’m not having a march.
(Pause.)
A few more hours here?
OFFICER
Maybe a day. Not longer than that. You’ve been detained much longer, haven’t you?
VANĚK
It’s just the boredom. The hours.
OFFICER
Listen, Ferdinand—how many people will be there, do you think?
VANĚK
Where?
OFFICER
At the march. At this march of yours.
VANĚK
I’m not having a march.
OFFICER
Because I need to know how many men to assign.
VANĚK
What march?
OFFICER
For the student. That...Jan Opletal fellow.
VANĚK
Oh, that march. That’s not my march.
(Pause.)
OFFICER
Listen, Ferdinard—you’re a peaceful sort of fellow, right?
VANĚK
Certainly.
OFFICER
It’s just that things could get out of hand.
VANĚK
Out of hand? How?
OFFICER
At this march of yours.
VANĚK
It’s not my march.
(Pause.)
I have a problem with hemorrhoids.
OFFICER
Do you? My uncle had that problem, too.
VANĚK
It’s acting up.
OFFICER
He used a cushion.
VANĚK
I have one of those. At home.
OFFICER
Yes. They can be very helpful.
VANĚK
So if you don’t have any more questions for me...
(Pause.)
OFFICER
Listen, Ferdinand, it’s just with what happened at the Wall—
VANĚK
What happened at the Wall?
OFFICER
The Wall. The Berlin Wall.
VANĚK
What happened at the Berlin Wall?
OFFICER
Well, we just don’t want things to get out of hand, is all.
VANĚK
What happened at the Wall?
OFFICER
Don’t you know?
VANĚK
I’ve been in detention. What happened?
(Pause.)
OFFICER
Maybe I can find you a cushion.
VANĚK
I’d appreciate it.
OFFICER
It’s just—if you could tell me how many people there will be at this march—
VANĚK
It’s not my march.
OFFICER
It’s to both our benefits, really. I mean, you’re a peaceful sort of fellow.
VANĚK
Yes, but—
OFFICER
I just wouldn’t want things to get out of hand.
VANĚK
I wasn’t even planning on going.
OFFICER
Where?
VANĚK
To the march. For Jan Opletal. I wasn’t planning on going.
OFFICER
No?
VANĚK
No.
(Pause.)
Look, I’d really appreciate it if I didn’t have to stay here another day. My hemorrhoids —
OFFICER
Those can be painful. My uncle had them.
VANĚK
Yes. So you see.
OFFICER
If you could just tell your people, we don’t want things to get out of hand, after the Berlin Wall—
VANĚK
What happened at the Berlin Wall?
OFFICER
It fell.
VANĚK
It fell? The Berlin Wall fell?
OFFICER
So you see, we don’t want things to get out of hand—
VANĚK
The Berlin Wall fell?
OFFICER
Yes. Didn’t you know?
VANĚK
I’ve been in detention.
(Pause.)
OFFICER
Listen, Ferdinand..
VANĚK
Yes?
OFFICER
Everything’s all fucked up.